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Another day, another seaside town, another dead theme park. Margate had Dreamland, Morecambe had Frontierland. And now all that remains of Morecambe’s once-thriving pleasure ground is a single decomissioned ride, the Polo Tower. This and a decaying entrance area, with coloured lightbulbs like chipped gobstoppers, still clinging on around Wild West fonts designed in the first place to resemble a ghost town and fulfilling that destiny in a tatter of mixed cultural messages and salt-wounded timbers.

Frontierland’s lost domain, bracketed in boarded-up cafes, is relieved by a seaside tat shop, called for some reason, Mr Santa, and hawking ceramic meerkats got up like Henry VIII, Robin Hood and Julius Ceasar; 3D pictures of wolves; golliwog snow domes (sigh) and heart-shaped compacts with border terriers on them. Nhung is inevitably tempted by a wolf picture, but resists.

frontierland

frontierland

In the West End area we find a street of Christian charity shops, we hear a woman in an eyepatch say “So he pulled his trousers down and he was wearing a red bikini and I was like, “you can’t go out like that!”” and we see what looks like a wooden buttplug. In one store that smells of sour milk, a woman complains about the wind whipping her stable doors and Nhung buys a blue puffball dress. The women in the shop shouts out “Show us then!” as Nhung tries it on. There is also a paranormal shop with a sign that says “Your unfinished business is our business.” A psychic hit squad?

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We stop for lunch at Westminster Cafe (the Biggest Baps In Town”):

Nhung – “Is there any chance of Earl Grey?”

Cafe Assistant – “No. We did used to have it but nobody wanted it and we didn’t like it either”.

But over the road from the cafe is suprisingly one of the best vintage clothes shops we’ve seen in ages. Dottie’s Vintage, which as we visit it about to move locations, is filled with incredibly good quality but reasonably priced stuff. Proper old vintage not just 90s TV weatherman jumpers. Never-worn 1950s two-pieces with the tags still on, an exquisite 1940s suit with shell-shaped buttons; Nhung buys LOADS but only spends £32.50. How is this possible?

morecambe bay

morecambe bay

As we walk along the seafront, the sun is going down and the bay is bathed in pale blues and pinks. The quicksand, the lethally-fast moving tides and the 23 Chinese cockle pickers who drowned here in 2004 don’t seem real. This water is as wide as hope and looks caressing and silken. But here some flowers have been left on a bench, maybe for the cockle pickers, maybe for somebody else and death is not far away.

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We amble into the the restored streamline moderne Midland Hotel and are not quite as whelmed by it as we thought we would be. We’ve the urge for afternoon tea, but the barman in the Rotunda is unhelpful and they’ve stopped doing it anyway. The restoration of this hotel a few years ago sparked hopes that the town’s fortunes were about to change, but the current recession has undone any gains that were made and once more things look grim. Towards the town centre and it’s starting to get dark, past the long-closed and haunted Winter Gardens. We wish we had more time here, the back streets and shabby hind ends of buildings look as if they hold more adventures.

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The town centre itself is dull; the usual featureless, pedestrianized blandness. It’s 40 minutes before our train is due so we try the bowling alley to see if we can get a milkshake in its diner. No luck, and we get accidentally trapped in the urban wasteland by the station with not enough time to go anywhere else but 30 minutes still to kill. In desperation we end up browsing the shit DVDs in Blockbuster just to keep warm.

telephone exchange

telephone exchange

The owner of Dottie’s Vintage told us that people advised her she’d be better off in nearby and slightly more prosperous Fleetwood, but she loves Morecambe too much to move. And although we’ve never been to Fleetwood, she’s probably made the right choice, for her soul, if not for her bank balance, because Morecambe is BEAUTIFUL. No two ways about it. Classic seaside architecture sets off the epicentre of Morecambe’s soul: The Bay. Its beauty is almost heartbreaking, but then so is the sight of this town that has been left to die. The mint with the hole looms over the seafront, but the hole at the heart of Morecambe is filled with a different type of quicksand.

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Lost

Nhung’s dream butter dish – still not found

Green & red geometric print scarf (bought by Nhung from a charity shop and later found to be torn)

Afternoon tea at the Midland Hotel

The gorgeous 1940s suit (didn’t fit any of us)

A skirt that matched a blazer Nhung bought (she didn’t like the shape)

Frontierland

3D wolf picture

Tooth jewels (Nhung was tempted)

His Girl Friday DVD (bought by Tamsin in a charity shop and later found not to work)

Found

Yellow crochet jumper

Deliverance DVD

Notebook, shampoo, tights, toothpaste and toothbrush

1980s black silky nightdress with lace trim

Blue puffball strapless dress

Pale brown & blue tweedy 1970s blazer

Brown check tweed dirndl skirt

1920s style sheer blue dress with magenta & white stripes & flower pattern

2 pairs of earrings – crystal flowers and 1980s black scalloped

Pale green perspex discs necklace

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It was a spur of the moment decision. Nhung phoned up Camber Sands Pontins on spec and discovered three things; 1) they were refurbishing in January, 2) before then it’s crazy-cheap to stay there, and 3) they were booked up through to Christmas except for the coming weekend. It had to be done and it was. We booked one night only, Guy Fawkes Night. One night was all we would need. This is it, the trip we’ve all been waiting for – The Lost Promenade experience The British Holiday Camp Out of Season. Paydirt.

institutional

institutional

We arrived after dark and immediately got upgraded to “Club Class”. Win! The place is nearly deserted and the only sound is the occasional firework going off at a distance. Or is it gunshots? We definitely feel like we’ve just walked into a straight-to-video 1980s horror movie. A kind word to describe the camp’s appearance is “institutional”, a not so kind one “Auschwitz”. Rows and rows of two-storey prefabs lined up like a Monday morning bus queue, resigned and wheezing and quietly despairing. It reminds us a bit of the Cabrini-Green housing projects in the film Candyman.

club class

club class

Into our “chalet” and we’re all over-excited again – two bedrooms, a microwave, a kettle and a television showing Pontins TV. When we first turn it on, and I promise you I’m not kidding, PTV is playing ‘Things Can Only Get Better’. It’s time to explore.

festive

festive

Inside the main complex, through the mouth of a giant plastic octopus is a magnificent ballroom furnished with a garish carpet, hanging strands of tinsel, a mural of can-can dancers and an army of empty grey chairs, like massed tubular ghosts . Later we explore upstairs and find yet another cavernous deserted ballroom – this one with an even more lurid carpet (brown op art swirls) and blue chairs. There are left over Halloween decorations and a faint smell of damp.

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In the bar (the Queen Vic), Bluecoat Dan* comes over to talk to us and we ask him if we need to buy electricity – “You’re in Club Class darling!”, he exclaims. He tells us about tonight’s entertainment; “I’ll go out and Captain Crocodile will come on. The two aren’t related” (giant wink). Nhung asks, “Is it like a pantomine horse and you’re at the back end?”, “Darling, that would be my dream!”

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We ask why he became a Bluecoat. “It’s that typical thing”, he says, “Your friend says “you’re fat and dull – here, do something exciting”, and I’ve been here ever since.” “So now you work here are you slim and interesting?”asks Tamsin (while also secretly thinking, “SHIT! Dan has rubbish friends”), but it seems the answer is yes. Since he got here, Dan has lost 2 stone “from sweating and dancing”. He cajoles us into playing a game of bingo. Inevitably, “House” comes up on everybody’s favourite number; “Claim on 69!”.

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Mel, the other Bluecoat on duty is a bit less cheery. As she arranges the children in line to meet Captain Crocodile, her non-smiling eyes say “I’m dying inside”. Other notable events of the night’s entertainment include; Lindsey recognising a boob tube she once owned (but only as part of a mermaid outfit) , Team Lost Prom receiving (suprisingly, as we pride ourselves on our musical knowledge), an absolute hammering in the pop quiz, Dan saying “I may be fat but I’m not ugly” after a small child insulted him and Mel telling some unfathomable “jokes” about “chavs” that rightly fall on death ears to all present. As the Bluecoats lead the children in the “Pontins Dance”, we decide to retire. As we leave through the ballroom, we overhear someone saying, “This really reminds me of The Shining”.

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Back in our chalet, we eat some pasta and immediately manage to blow the portable speakers we’ve brought with us, meaning we’re reliant on the TV for music. Rolf Harris is on. We crack open the wine…

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A few glasses later, it’s getting late and suddenly we hear something clatter by our balcony, banging on our door as it passes and instantly freaking us out. It’s obviously the Pontins serial killer, Iron Hoof and our only weapon is blue face packs, so we woad ourselves up, hoping that our terrifying visages will scare away the bogeyman. We had bought musical instruments with us, in the vague idea of recording a Lost Prom theme, but we’re concerned about the thinness of the walls, so instead we just watch the Best Selling Hits of the 90s on TV. Time for bed, with any portable pieces of furniture shoved up against the door to keep Iron Hoof out.

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It’s OK. We wake up unscathed, and as most of the camp’s eating establishments are shut, decide to explore Camber in search of breakfast. Passing on a local shop called BJs on the Beach, we follow some signs in the road for a cafe, including one on the top of a car parked by the side of the road. As we walk past the car, Lindsey screams in shock. What is it? Oh my god, the car appears to be full of effigies of dead people. Nightmare in Camber Part 2: Iron Hoof Returns.

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At first glance the cafe is unremarkable; brown vinyl seats, cream formica tables, UKIP poster behind the counter, but in the window there are photographs of the same strange creatures we saw in the car and the proprietor looks like a cross between Cyndi Lauper and Peter Stringfellow.

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We pluck up the courage to ask her what the deal with the sinister figures is and it turns out they are life-size effigies of the local council’s highways committee. She’s in a dispute with the council over the signage she uses to advertize the cafe from the road and has had an injunction placed on her, to stop her from placing the signs and “using obscene language”.

camber cafe

camber cafe

We want to find out more, but at that moment a very boring man comes in and embarks upon a seemingly endless anecdote about being sent on a driving awareness course for speeding, although we do get a few more terse responses out of her. When we say we’re staying at Pontins she goes “Grrrrrrr”, when we ask her what else there is to do in Camber she says “Nothing!” and when we ask what else is in the town, she says, “Town? Hah!”

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She’s right, apart from the cafe and a few small shops, the area is almost entirely residential. What it has going for it is the stupendously lovely beach, fringed in dunes and dog walkers. Apart from that the main sights are boarded up chalets, an old-fashioned post office and launderette and a depressing looking pub.

launderette

launderette

Camber reminds us of a slightly more upmarket Jaywick, it has the same eerie flavour of silence and secret breakdown. A ramshackle emptiness – communities like these are the truly hidden areas of the UK.

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Back at Pontins to explore and photograph it by day. After a go on the slide and a watery hot chocolate in the pastel-painted restaurant, we squeeze in a quick swim in the pool before checking-out time. We’d planned to go earlier but got too gripped by Bedknobs and Broomsticks, which we watch with the Bluecoats (who are in daywear of shiny blue tracksuits), sniggering childishly whenever anybody says the word “knob.”

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It’s time to take our leave. Pontins has been an experience, and a never-to-be-repeated one, because next year it will be done-up and shiny. The smell of damp may have gone but probably also the decrepit charm. And Iron Hoof will be cast out to wander the long sands, yesterday’s bogeyman, looking for victims who don’t scare so easily now. Next time you go to a holiday camp, listen closely, you might hear him, last thing before you go to sleep. He’s saying “Claim on 69, claim on 69”…

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Lost

Tamsin’s snake-shaped ring

Miss Pontins 2011 – PTV said it was on but the Bluecoats told us not to trust anything PTV says

The pop quiz – miserably (and the prize bottle of Lambrini)

Our heads, worrying about Iron Hoof

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Found

Free upgrade to Club Class

Corpse-like effigies on the streets of Camber

Lost Promenade ultimate seaside trip

 

* Names of Bluecoats have been changed

Camber TV Centre

Camber TV Centre

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