All You Care About Is Poo (Ramsgate)

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“Ramsgate has developed a continental cafe style culture with bars and restaurants on its seafront parade (citation needed)” – Wikipedia

Oh. That’ll be the same Ramsgate with the roughest-looking pub in England, the throngs of beer-bellied bikers and an epic battle over dog turds will it then Wiki? Too right, citation bloody needed. Let’s start at the beginning…

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After a tediously long walk from the station, almost the first building you see in Ramsgate proper is a hangout of the Kent chapter of the Outlaws biker gang, nestled slightly surreally amongst leafily-fringed properties. However, that aside, Ramsgate is very attractive. Although a large amount of the shops and pubs are closed and boarded- up, there are many lovely buildings and the pedestrianised town centre is livelier than many, with market stalls and a traditional butcher’s shop still thriving.

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But then we go up the road and encounter one of the grimmest-looking pubs we’ve ever seen. Festooned in St George’s crosses (although in 2012, what with the Jubilee, the European Football Championships and the Olympics it’s quite difficult to sort out the fascist from the mere dunderhead) and flanked by furious-looking men who wouldn’t look out of place in a reality show called something like Britain’s Veiniest Wifebeaters, it’s nearly as unappealing as the barbers across the way, which looks like the ideal venue if ever you fancied hosting a flick-knife vs nunchucks convention, with Charles Bronson as keynote speaker.  We, probably unfairly, nickname this part of  town “the racist end” and retreat in the other direction which has a shop called ‘Trendy.’ We think about going in so that we can be trendy too, but that’s just too much excitement, even for us.

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We decide to calm down in the usual Lost Promenade way and stop for something to eat in posh-looking Corby’s Tea Rooms. As it’s a sunny day, we sit outside, at the back, overlooking a set of street furniture shaped like a 3 piece suite,on which some teenagers are performing impressive parkour moves. Suddenly a kerfuffle develops; a man is yelling at a woman for failing to pick up her dog’s mess, followed closely behind by another woman hooting plummily, “I’ve got a poo bag if you need one!” They disappear behind a wall for a moment, then emerge in a maelstrom of fury – the man is dragging the dog-owner along by the wrists, apparently making a citizen’s arrest while she shouts and kicks and bites. “You don’t care about the starving poor people all you care about is poo”, she screams, “Your watch is worth more than you”. The teenagers cease leaping and start filming on their phones as the woman gets more and more riled, finally breaking away and making off, with dog in tow, but sans poo bag. A while later the fuzz turn up and the man spends the next ten minutes searching for his hearing aid that got lost in the fracas. Ramsgate – continental cafe style culture at its very best.

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Out along the jetty and all this is forgotten as we finally reach the seafront – another marvellous tangeriney Kent beach of delight. A small girl is practising somersaults in the air and people and dogs hurtle about like hairy pinballs. We take a relaxing boat trip around the harbour, a bargain at £3. The Port of Ramsgate is expanding year on year due to the demands placed on it by the phalanx of clockwork daddy long-legs glinting off in the distance – Thanet’s offshore wind farm, the largest wind farm in the world.

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From the sea we spot an intriguing looking bric-a-brac shop under the promenade arches. A cave-like space stuffed with mannequins, fairground signage, and pianola music, it’s definitely worth a visit, as is Pelosi’s, a gorgeously preserved 1960s ice cream parlour, all pinks and mint greens, chrome and Formica. We walk along the beach past similarly-hued striped storage huts and kids flying kites. More mental than continental, unlike its neighbour Whitstable, Ramsgate is no manicured weekenders’ haven; however, dab a little at its grimy cheeks and underneath is a flawed bathing belle, a few teeth missing but a lovely smile.

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Lost

3 7” records (too scratched to buy)

Brideshead Revisited Audio Book Collection (Nhung considers buying something Brideshead related on every Lost Prom trip but decides against it)

Saturday newspaper (Tamsin forgets to buy it and regrets it during the 50 minute wait at Ashford International for a connecting Brighton train)

“Trendiness”

Concerned citizen’s hearing aid

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Found

Spotting Birds book

YMCA badge

Dark green ceramic pot with the word ‘celery’ on it

Red leather tote bag

Book about matchbox labels

Vintage black & white photo postcard of 2 girls on the beach in Margate

Our first witnessing of a citizen’s arrest

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